I dag har det snødd i Bodø, noe som kjørte julestemninga helt til topps hos meg. Den har vært tilstede de siste dagene, men i dag har det vært ekstremt. Det er jul i lufta nå; det er rundt null grader, snøen har kommet, det lukter jul, det er julemarsipan i butikkene og jeg har på en måte ferie. Jul, jul, jul! Ikke at det kom så veldig mye snø, men nok til at den la seg. Så frøs den og det ble glatt. Jeg skal i hvert fall starte julehandelen nå, for snart er det jul! Dessuten vet jeg akkurat hva jeg skal gi til Frode i år.

 

I morgen kommer Jorg, så i dag har jeg tilbrakt dagen med å rydde og vaske. Dette burde ikke ta så lang tid på en bittelite hybel, men det tar veldig lang tid for meg, siden jeg tar så mange pauser underveis. Men nå er jeg snart ved veis ende; jeg har bare gangen og vasken på badet igjen.

 

Ellers er jeg litt småfornøyd i dag, for jeg tok alle panteflaskene på kjøkkenet og panta dem på Joker borti høgget her. Hurra, 50 kroner ekstra i lommeboka! Det som er genialt, er at jeg sto for bare fire-fem av flaskene, mens resten er det Margaret, Jenny og Melissa som har kjøpt inn. Jaja, de får bare skylde seg selv for at de lar panteflaskene sine ligge og slenge på kjøkkenet, jeg oppbevarer mine på rommet og får dermed min pant for meg selv.

 

I går så jeg dessuten nordlys. Det var bare et lite fislenordlys, men likevel. Jeg har i hvertfall oppleve vinter i Bodø før jeg flytter hjem til Fredrikstad igjen.

Svada er et ord jeg har brukt usannsynlig ofte den siste tida. Definisjonen av svada: svada -en (lat. 'veltalenhet') tomme ord, fraser. Jeg bruker det nesten riktig, i hvert fall.

 

I går var Kari Anne, Ida og jeg og så den norske skrekkfilmen Fritt vilt på kino. Hva skal jeg si om den? Det er en skrekkfilm. Jeg skvatt noen ganger, det skal den ha, men historien er ufattelig dårlig. Dessuten har den utrolig mange momenter som irriterte meg. Jeg bør kanskje ikke skrive så mye om det her, i tilfelle noen skulle ha lyst til å se filmen uten å vite alt som skjer i den på forhånd. Har hørt mange si at de syns Fritt vilt er sykt bra, men jeg må nok desverre si meg uenig der. Greit at det er en skrekkfilm, men det skader ikke å ha en historie. Viktoria Winge og Endre Martin Blindheim Midtstigen spiller lite overbevisende, til tider spiller de så ille at vi brøt ut i latter der det absolutt ikke var meninga at man skulle le. Særlig Viktoria har fått mye skryt i media, men jeg må si at jeg ikke begriper hvorfor. Jaja, jeg skvatt og ble redd, og det er det viktigste når man ser skrekkfilm, så sånn sett gjør Fritt vilt jobben sin.

 

I kveld så jeg premieren på TV2-programmet 9 av 10 nordmenn, som var mistenkelig likt NRK1-programmet Nytt på nytt. Uansett, programmet var ganske morsomt, selv om TV2 kanskje kunne ha anstrengt seg litt mer for å finne et nytt konsept. Og det var det jeg hadde å si om den saken.

 

Kunne sikkert skrevet mye mer om mye rart, men det gidder jeg rett og slett ikke nå.

Å slutte betyr ikke nødvendigvis å gi opp. Det kan like mye handle om å gå videre. (Kristian L. W. Mathisen) 

 Thursday I decided that I'm dropping out. Ask me why, and I'll probably not be able to give you any answers that will satisfy you. I'm sorry about that, but my answers satisfy me, and that's what counts in this matter. Yes, maybe I actually am talented, and maybe this is what I'm supposed to do... it still doesn't feel right. Maybe it's a waist of talent that I'm leaving, what do I know? All I know is that leaving feels like the right thing to do, and I know I won't regret it.

 

I get very touched by all my new friends up here that try to convince me to stay. You're all so sweet, and I'm going to miss you a lot. I really hope we'll stay in touch even though I'm leaving. In some ways I sort of feel like staying just to hang out with all the wonderful people that I've met, but that would be kind of weird; I have nothing to do here if I'm not studying, right? So now I'm looking forward to leave Bodø and go back home and live together with Frode again.

 

This is not about giving up - it's about moving on. It feels very liberating to not have any plans or anything that I have to do. It's a bit scary, but I love it as well. I'm not in a hurry, and I'm going to spend my time well. Hopefully.

 

Last night we were at a party at Ann-Helen, a girl in my class. It was really fun, but we left kind of early, because the neighbors couldn't stand the noice we were making and were threatening to call the police. Inga, Ida and I went back to Flatvold and sat in Ida's room with our computers and sipped Baileys. It was really cosy. I'm going to miss moments like that.

 

Today I'm not doing anything useful. Just like entire next week. It's like being in a vacuum, just waiting to go home. The 23rd Holland Boy arrives. It'll be so much fun to have another visitor here! I'm going to make him help pack my stuff by the end of the week, because Frode is probably picking me up in Bodø the 29th - the day Holland Boy leaves. The 22nd and 23rd I have to say goodbye to Kari Anne and Ida, which really make my heart ache. I'm going to miss the two of them so much! But I know we'll stay in touch and I'm going to take care of Ida even though we're not going to live together anymore. I feel it's my responsibility to take care of her; it's like she's my little sister or something, even though she's born four weeks before me.

 

Well... I should get myself some food now, haven't had anything to eat today.

 

Adieu!

 

Hildur - the drop out

Sunday night I got back to Bodø. Getting back here wasn't exactly joyful, since I had so much fun when Frode was here and when I was back home. The last weeks I've been thinking a lot, back and forth about wheather to stay in Bodø and study journalism, or drop out and leave.

 

I'm not homesick, cuz I couldn't care less about Sarpsborg and Fredrikstad; it just doesn't feel right to be here. As I've written before; by starting to study journalism I was just following an old dream. That I had spent so much time chasing that dream, that I didn't notice how I changed as a person, how exhausted I was from pushing myself to achieve and perform all the freaking time. In my own race to succeed I couldn't see that I didn't really want it that bad anymore. And I forgot to make allowance for myself in the process. So now I'm here, all worn out and confused, and don't really know what to do.

 

It's not that a year and two months in Bodø is such a long time, and it's not that three months with work experience some place I don't know yet is going to be so bad or whatever, it's just that I don't know if I want this right now. Maybe I'm not ready for this, that I need to get some more experiences in my life before I can appreciate these studies. I've talked to a few peope about my dilemma. Some say they want me to do what's best for me, that I shouldn't stay if I don't think it's worth it, that I shouldn't go if I'm not sure that's the right thing to do. Some say I have to stay, cuz that's the only right thing to do, that it'll make me stronger and that I'll regret if I leave and that I should just keep a stiff upper lip and get through it.

 

In the end it all comes down to this; I'm tired of chasing rainbows, I'm tired of always feeling like I have to do this and that before I get to a point in my life where I feel happy. I know I'm young, I'm only 19, but all my life I've been saying "if only I get through this, I'll be happy" and when I'm through with that thing and start something new, I say "if only I get through this I'll be happy". But I'm not happy, because I'm always chasing, always on the run to find something new, this one thing that can make me happy. I just want to be happy right now, I want to be happy at the place where I at this point in my life, not in two years, ten years or twenty years; I want to feel happy now. And right now I don't feel happy.

 

When I've spent time with Frode these last couple of weeks I've felt happy. Yes, I'm young, and yes, I'm maybe childish and immature that want to drop out, but I seriously don't care. Those of you that think I should stay just "because I need to" (of some vague reason); I don't care if I "need to", right now I need to stress down and figure out what I want in life. I've got time. And please, stop telling me about how I need to change my attitude, that I just have to tell myself to be positive in the morning and then my day'll be great. You know nothing about me and what I've been through (my God, that sounded dramatic), so please leave me alone. Don't you think I've tried to be positive about this whole thing? Of cuz I have! If not I wouldn't be here in the first place.

 

No, please, leave me alone if you're just going to give me admonitions. This is my dilemma, and I need to figure out what I need to do without people telling me what's best for me. Feel free to give me a hug, though, God knows I need a hug these days.

 

Jeje, enough with the whining already! We're having radio in school right now, it's OK. Not that I'm the most engaged, though. I overslept today, spent five minutes getting ready (I woke up 8.21 am) and looked like hell when Ida knocked on my door. I'm probably getting some money soon, cuz I've sold two articles to the local newspaper. One of them I made together with Dennis, I guy in my class, so I guess we'll share the money 50/50. Now I'm tired of writing and this is way too long already, so I'll give you a more proper update on my life later on.

 

Over and out.

 

God natt og sov godt.

 

Hildur

I'm home! Got here last night, and go back to Bodø on Sunday. It just feels so right to be back home. Well, I'd love to type more, but I've got people to see and places to go. I'll keep you updated!

 

Hugs, Hildur